Skulduggery Does Disney
by SuperGirlOnToast
Summary: The Skulduggery Pleasant Crew have developed the habit of strangely bursting into song at every opportunity. Specifically, Disney songs. A bit of a crackfic to relieve me from the plot bunnies! Next chapter coming soon... Please read, review, subscribe and favorite to make me a happy author!
1. Chapter 1: A Girl Worth Fighting For

Another day. Another suicide mission for the Dead Men. But today, only four of them were on this particular mission. Skulduggery Pleasant, Ghastly Bespoke, Erskine Ravel and Anton Shudder. But, they were under the radar. Or rather under the cows. They were supposed to be raiding a farm, which was rumoured to be a training camp for soldiers in Molovent's army. Unfortunately, it was a false alarm, and, instead, it was a camp for trained soldiers, and luckily, also a cow farm. The Dead Men had escaped by the skin of their teeth. Well, they now just had to go the thirty miles to their side. Under cows. While listening to Anton's random muttering.  
"For a long time we've been marching off to battle."  
Skulduggery nodded. Sometimes almost being ageless had its down points. But why start singing about it? Anton was strange enough already…

"In a thundering herd we feel a lot like cattle!"  
Erskine supressed a laugh. They did feel like that, the cows having no respect for how bumpy the journey is. Then, surprising himself, he joined in. Well, it had to happen at some point. Working with Skulduggery's humor, Ghastly's magic hating tendencies and Shudder's…., well, Shudder in general. He opened his mouth, and began to sing.  
"Like the pounding beat,"  
The beat of the cattle's hooves was rhythmic and loud. Not what you want to listen to.  
"Our aching feet aren't easy to ignore."  
Ghastly nodded. Clinging on to the underside of a cow, who seems to like to drop his faeces on the road every few minutes, was not pleasant. And their feet were killing them. It felt painful to have to hold on, to know that dropping onto the road below could equal death. Or dirty his clothes. He needed something positive. Roses? Shudder would kill him. Winning the war? Too petty. Something long lasting. Like…

"Hey! Think of instead, a girl worth fighting for!"  
Shudder frowned. A girl? Worth fighting for? Was Ghastly delirious? Maybe something undesirable had got into his mouth. You never know what they feed cows in evil enemy camps/farms where they have cows. He must have heard wrong. Better check, just so he could laugh if that was actually what he said. Ghastly must have been joking. Or crazy. Or….. something else.  
"Huh?"  
Ghastly nodded.  
"That's what I said, a girl worth fighting for!"

Anton didn't see an issue with girls in general, but for him to keep this going, he had to choose what his girl would be like. He was about to settle for a Plain Jane, maybe who could control water or heal, something small like that, but then decided he could be as petty as he wanted. Beauty was a trait his girl needed to have if she was going to be perfect. He could survive without it, in fact, he never judged on appearance, but there was nothing wrong with wanting a pretty girl to fight for. What kind of pretty? Not tanned. Tanned in Ireland is generally fake. Eyes were a big thing to him. If he could find a girl with the perfect eyes, she could do no wrong. Starry eyes. Beautiful skin, pale, and dark hair. That was his girl. No problem with voicing this to the others.  
"I want her paler than the moon,  
With eyes that shine like stars."

Ghastly had a different wish. He wanted a lady who would admire him, love him for his flaws, his scars. Both emotional and physical. He was sick of meeting someone he adored, and then having her jump to conclusions he was a murderer, or a fake, or to be disgusted, or gossiped about behind closed doors. He didn't care about what she looked like, as long as she didn't care what he looked like. He hated it when he saw girls looking at themselves in shop windows, wondering if they were pretty, flawless, perfect, enough. He wanted to yell that, if their boyfriends would dump them for their appearance, then the boyfriends were not worth dating. Of course, he never said it. Probably because they would have either run away or punch him. Not that he couldn't take them. It's just he made a point never to attack a girl within reason.  
"My girl will marvel at my strength,  
Adore my battle scars."

Erskine chimed in.  
"I couldn't care less what she'll wear,  
Or what she looks like,  
It all depends on what she cooks like:"  
Skulduggery was the last one to be brainwashed by this strange random singing thing, but, being as hungry as the rest, decided that if you can't beat them, sing with them.  
"Beef,"  
Shudder hated beef, but loved pork. Ham, bacon, gammon. Anything goes when he eats pork. But it must be well cooked. He has been known to throw plates.  
"Pork,"  
Now, the other two were good for Ghastly, but for him, it was chicken. Or turkey. But mostly chicken.  
"Chicken,"  
Imagining this pile of delights, they sighed.  
"Mmmm…"

Getting into the swing of things now, Skulduggery aimed a quip at Erskine.  
"'Bet the local girls thought you are quite the charmer."  
Erskine, sending it right back at him, claimed:  
"And I'll bet the ladies love a man in armour!"  
Ghastly and Anton looked at each other, finally on the same side.

All of them joined in together. it was a very strange sight to see.  
"You can guess what we have missed the most,  
Since we've been off to war  
What do we want?  
A girl worth fighting for!"

Erskine laughed, then pictured his dream girl. Beauty was needed, but he thought anyone could be beautiful with thought, hope and mascara.  
"My girl will think I have no faults,  
And I'm a major find!"

Anton, raising his voice solo for the first time in a while. Intelligence was big. Trophy wives were ten a penny, but a girl with a brain? Who stood up for herself? That was a catch to him.  
"Uh,  
How about a girl who's got a brain,  
Who always speaks her mind?"

Erskine smirked. No way. That was for men to do, and girls to gossip about doing behind closed doors. Not girlfriend material, that was for sure. Maybe a trophy wife.  
"Nah!  
My manly ways and turn of phrase,  
Are sure to thrill her!"

Skulduggery smirked. Him? He was a big ladies man, but him?  
"He thinks he's such a lady killer." he laughed.

"I've got a girl at home,  
Who's not like any other."  
Ghastly said, thinking of a certain blonde woman.

Anton chimed in, saying a sarcastic phrase that would either be interpreted as comic genius or meanie bobini.  
"Yeah, the only girl who loves him,  
Is his mother!"

Skulduggery smiled. He knew they would win the war, and it was important to mention it.  
"But when we come home in victory,  
They'll line up at the door,"

They all joined together for the finale.  
"What do we want? A girl worth fighting for!  
Wis that I had... a girl worth fighting for!  
A girl worth fighting... for!"

They all lapsed into silence, each feeling equally awkward for doing "random singing". Then Anton started to giggle. And that was how the Dead Men Choir began.

**Hey! This is a bit of a crackfic, but I hope to keep it up. Expect really slow updates though! :) This will ONLY be Disney songs used, so send your suggestions in!  
R&R is the best by far!  
SuperGirlOnToast xxx**


	2. Chapter 2: Hakuna Matata

A dark room. Chains. Cold walls with mould coming down. And a half-dead vampire with a strange obsession. That vampire was Caelan. Somehow, he had survived, and was now stuck in Skulduggery's basement. He, as you would be if you were almost killed, dumped in a basement, and starved, was not in the best mood. Then, he heard a rhythmic tapping. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Then, something yellow appeared in the corner of his vision. He knew that colour, and lunged forward. His speed, although hindered by hunger and exhaustion, was powerful. He would kill that rat, that little piece of – clang! The metal chains pulled him back, pushing him against the wall. Damn! Then the human came closer. It was Fletcher, as Caelan had suspected. That – was unexpected. Fletcher spoke loudly, although Caelan could hear someone upstairs.  
"Caelan, remember this. It could save your life one day. It is so important, I have to shout it. This is the biggest secret in the history of life. Other than how I do my hair. That's bigger."  
"Calm your tongue, fool. What is this secret? Is it a way to unlock these chains? A way to win Valkyrie?"  
"No. It's –"

Valkyrie randomly popped up and sang,  
"HAKUNA MATATA!"  
Caelan was confused. As he often is. He tried to keep up with the trends, but when you're over 100 years old, you don't remember them. Was this perhaps a code word that meant the key is in the chain? Fletcher pitied the poor vampire. Almost losing your life was a big enough punishment. He'd better explain.  
"Hakuna Matata!  
What a wonderful phrase!"

Valkyrie understood, and joined in.  
"Hakuna Matata!  
Ain't no passing craze!"  
That was all well and good to Caelan, but what did it mean. Fletcher continued, and strangely enough, his hair now looked more orange. And sparkly.  
"It means no worries  
For the rest of your days!"  
The both joined together for the next lines, surprised that Caelan had no idea.  
"It's our problem-free philosophy  
Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata!"  
Caelan was now very confused, and, instead of doing his best Christina Aguilera impression, decided to speak. That was a good decision.  
"Hakuna Matata?"  
Valkyrie, spoke. (her Christina Perry impression was a bit rusty)  
"Yeah. It's our motto!"  
Another weird word.  
"What's a motto?"  
Fletcher, being his usual witty and clever self, said.  
"Nothin'! What's-a-motto with you?!"  
Valkyrie, being her usual witty and clever self, said.  
"Those two words will solve all your problems."

Fletcher, feeling the urge to give an example, said.  
"That's right. Take Valkyrie here  
Why ...when she was a young human!  
Valkyrie, clarified.  
"When I was a young human."  
"Very nice."  
"Thanks."  
Fletcher continued.  
"She found her aroma lacked a certain appeal  
She could clear the savannah after ev'ry meal."  
Valkyrie, hurt, said.  
"I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned  
And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind"  
Some random music played.

"And, oh, the shame."  
Fletcher played backing singer.  
"Oh, the shame!"  
"Thought of changin' my name."  
"What's in a name?"  
"And I got downhearted."  
"How did ya feel?"  
"Ev'rytime that I..."  
"Hey, Valkyrie! Not in front of the kids!"  
"Oh, sorry."  
They both joined in for the chorus.  
"Hakuna Matata!  
What a wonderful phrase  
Hakuna Matata!  
Ain't no passing craze"

Caelan, feeling the hakuna matata, sang.  
"It means no worries for the rest of your days!"  
He was rubbish, which was expected. Fletcher and Valkyrie had bought earplugs in case.  
They all sang together  
"It's our problem-free philosophy  
Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata!  
Hakuna Matata! Hakuna –"  
Caelan continued.  
"It means no worries for the rest of your days"  
Valkyrie, readying herself from the grande finale, sang clearly.  
"I say "Hakuna""  
Fletcher, continuing, said.  
"I say "Matata""

Then the bomb Fletcher had inserted into Caelan's chains went off. It exploded into a fireball, and the sparks went everywhere. Orange. Red. Yellow. Blue. White. All colours. And then it died down, the grey ashes, all that was left of Caelan, in a heap on the floor. Skulduggery walked down, bones gleaming as the remnants of blaze lit up the dark room. He clapped, the sound more spooky than human hands.  
"Well done, well done." Fletcher and Valkyrie smiled to eachother Their worries were finally over.

Until…..

Purple glitter fell from the sky. And Caelan transformed into another form, a form more terrifying and scary than any other. Impossibly evil. Impossibly smart. Impossibly sparkly. He became Edward Cullen. Valkyrie screamed, running behind Fletcher. Fletcher shoved Valkyrie in front of him and hid. Edward Cullen's reign of terror had begun.

**So... Edward Cullen. What do you think? Any more songs?SuperGirlOnToast**


End file.
